The BACCHUS Manifesto

Dear patrons of BACCHUS,

We are all well aware of the specter hanging over Sewanee weekends, and this Zeitgeist has such sway over the people that certain provisions for its control have been wisely placed throughout history. One such institution is BACCHUS, a carefully controlled "iron curtain" that shields many from the terrors known as the cold, walking, and, of course, driving under the influence.

However, proletariat BACCHUS personnel have nothing to lose by asserting several items which might greatly improve everyone's experience. True, it is not a matter of throwing down our chains (we all sign-up for BACCHUS voluntarily and get reasonable wages), but there is much to be said for a harmonious BACCHUS program between drivers and riders. And though we recognize the Dionysian tide may already overwhelm your mind and spirit as you enter the Bacchanalian realm, we would be grateful if the following tenets remain in the back of your mind.

o Your BACCHUS experience begins with the call on that magical (but illicit) number pusher, the cell or dorm phone. On the other end is a "dispatcher." Please show this person courtesy no matter how long you've been waiting for a van. Being polite will result in getting priority, obscene messages will only rarely help your chances.

o The dispatcher has NO idea where the vans are, nor how full they are, nor how long it might be until a driver might be able to pick you up. (A fun suggestion to circumvent the eternal "how long will it be?" is to give your own time. Ex. "Can BACCHUS get 5 of us from All Saint's in 15 minutes?" Though a bit perplexed, the dispatcher could convey this to the drivers.)

o When calling for pizza, one will likely wait near a door; when calling for a BACCHUS, do likewise. The drivers are often right by where you call and will stop and wait. If you are not around, they may declare you a "no show" and move on.

o Do not risk your life by flying in front of a BACCHUS van. Most drivers see people on the sidewalks and will stop unless they have a full van already. It is seldom personal. o Fun Fact: BACCHUS drivers are people too. We don't usually mind being referred to as "BACCHUS" but we are taking a five hour van ride with a large number of stressors and stops. Any road trip is only complete with a break, and BACCHUS drivers receive one and appreciate people recognizing our inalienable right to stop, pee, and order a Coke.

o The driver is driving with a probably illegal number of distraction factors while attempting to follow traffic conventions and watch for all the various creatures of the night. Thus, please do not wantonly distract the driver or denounce the inefficiency of the system. Periodic yelling of where you want to go is appropriate but please keep it fairly tame.

o Though you may be very comfortable with physical intimacy on BACCHUS, excessive numbers of people can be hazardous. If not everyone can sit down, prove your gentlemanliness by waiting a few minutes.

o A few of the standard conventions of reality should be upheld even on BACCHUS. For instance, do not open a door when the vehicle is moving and do not make excessively loud, high-pitched noises. This might cause an accident in normal vehicles, and BACCHUS drivers are only slightly super-human and thus still liable to wild distractions.

o Nietzsche recognized music as a stirring means to a Dionysian experience. We do too; however, please refrain from adjusting the volume or radio channel to your "preferred level," as this is another factor that will rapidly decrease your priority in (Continued Pg 9) getting where you want.

o Thanking a driver as you enter never hurts your chances of getting priority, similarly, in an enormously crowded van, it is fairly easy to ignore the inebriate in back who is telling "that bastard in front to get to Hodgeson"

o About 11:30-1:00 are informally known as the 90 minutes of insanity on BACCHUS. Vans are generally overcrowded, drivers often cannot take nor hear calls from the dispatcher and fatigue is beginning to set in. Please be patient, wait outside or simply walk if you can. This is a pedestrian campus even at night.

o Despite all these whiny provisions, it truly is our pleasure to drive for you. Please keep in mind that BACCHUS is a privilege not a right and there is no cause for revolution if BACCHUS does not cater quite to your specific plans for an evening excursion. So next time you call us ("party like it's x1999) please keep these courtesies in mind. It will make our drive and your ride so much easier, cheerier, and possibly even peaceful on the even the most raucous nights. Keep on riding because we will keep on driving.

Your faithful drivers,

Chris Hague and Aaron Rutz