Pisces (February 19-March 20)
I don’t envy the week you’re about to have, Pisces. A lot of things that seem like they’re banking in your favor right now are going to shift dramatically, and you’re probably going to find yourself trying to weather the storm. You certainly won’t be in any position to make decisions, so try to push back as many deadlines as you can-it’s for the best.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your plan to be more ambitious? Yeah, bad idea, Aries. Your problem is that you have a severely inflated sense of self-worth, and it causes you to think yourself capable of far more than you actually are. Accustom yourself to mediocrity and disappointment. Meanwhile, try to take it one day at a time. Things are really going to suck for you and in the coming days, and you’re going to be on the receiving end of some rough treatment. Though it will seem unfair it will actually be entirely deserved. Deal with it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If you thought things were bad then you haven’t seen anything yet, Taurus. Your life is going to be hell, and the sad thing is that it’s all going to be your fault. Your general incompetence in interpersonal relationships and your tendency to monopolize conversations are really going to come back to bite you. Stay in this weekend (Continued Pg 6) and try to minimize thedamage you’ll inevitably do.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Someone you thought was your friend is really going to let you down today, Gemini. Unfortunately, the problem is all on your end because your expectations are always unrealistically high. Learn to understand the difference between someone being your friend and you being someone else’s friend. This would be a good time to go through your list Facebook friends and try to remember how many of them actually added you. Chances are you’re not as loved as you think you are.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
I’m sure you’re still trying to get over that Valentine’s Day disaster, Cancer. Unfortunately, your love life is not going to improve any time soon. Though you don’t know it, your failures with the opposite sex are already the stuff of legend, and your screw-ups are only going to get worse.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Don’t make any big decisions today Leo. In fact, avoid them studiously. You’re a pretty terrible decision-maker as it is, but today you’re especially liable to do something you’ll regret. Cancel plans to work on internship applications and cover letters and try to simplify things as much as possible. At the very least you should be able to minimize your failures.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’re still reeling from that conversation you had last night, Virgo, and you’ll be low on energy and enthusiasm all day long. Your bad attitude and poor work ethic will be a drag on the people around you and your performance in most areas of life will suffer.
Libra (September 23-October 23)
Where to begin, Libra? Spiritually, you’re just a big mess right now. You’re such a jumble of confused and nonsensical ideas and beliefs that it’s really hard to see things getting better any time soon. You don’t really have a mind for the deeper matters of life, try though you might to imagine that you do. Focus on the smaller things for a while-things you can wrap your head around. Make sure your socks match and your test has your name on it-maybe you can tackle the other stuff later.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21)
You’ve always fancied yourself an artist, Scorpio, and it’s always been a delusion. You’re going to find that people will start being more critical of you in the coming days. It’s not that your performance will suffer; it’s just that you’re going to start hearing the truth, and it’s going to hurt.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The first thing you should do, Sagittarius, is pull out your planner, to-do list, or whatever organizational tool you use and wipe out everything you were hoping to get done for the next week. A lot of things you thought were out of the way are going to come unraveled, and you’re going to be working hard correcting past blunders. Try, if you can, to get things right this time.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’ve always been too analytical for your own good, Capricorn, but this week you’re going to take things to a whole new level. You just can’t seem to get through your thick skull the fact that there are some things that just shouldn’t be said, no matter how true they are. Until you realize this-which will probably not be for a while-you will continue to be lonely and unhappy-and totally oblivious to the fact that it’s all your fault.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Although people often come to you for advice, that doesn’t mean they’re smart to do so, Aquarius, because your personal relationships are all either total disasters or well on their ways to becoming so. It may make you feel good to be trusted, but you need to start resisting the urge to hold forth whenever people come to you with problems. This week in particular you have the chance to royally screw up some people’s lives almost as badly as your own. Learn to love the phrase “I have no idea.”
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