Humble Hilarious Honesty

I went shopping in Macy's with a really good friend of mine, lets call her "Jane," having no idea what I would get myself into that day. Jane and I are looking around, trying on some clothes and having a blast when I see something out of the corner of my eye. I see this attractive brunette with an insane amount of cleavage that would make Katy Perry look like a nun, the brightest pink tank top and the shortest black shorts. Naturally, I become the Kool-Aid man when I see her and think: "Ohhhh yea!" I look back to see Jane staring back at me: "Ohhh nooo!" With her arms folded across her chest, Jane, irritated, says: "You want my body to look like hers, Don't you!?!" It's a trap! Seconds seem like minutes as I stand speechless; I can go on the defensive and cause an argument because the way the question was phrased automatically implied I was guilty; I think about telling her the truth: "No, I don't want your body to look like hers", but Jane will assume that's a lie; "Yes, I do", a lie in itself, but that means I compare her body to someone else's standards which completely undermines her feelings. What to do? I ask her: "What makes you feel that way?" Jane starts explaining the way she feels when yet another woman comes in; her attire, in a highly favorable view, is that of a skankalicious owner of a muffin shop on a street corner. I scream in my head: "Why does this keep happening to me?!" I look back at Jane who is now looking at the new woman, looks back at me, and says: "Really? Her too?" Not skipping a beat I say: "Yep. I'm hungry, can we go grab a muffin please?" 

I'm not going to deny that I was checking out those two women-face it, it's what guys do. Women are just as guilty. After trying on a lot of clothes, Jane was feeling a little insecure and anxious about her body. We have all come across times when our friends were needy, and in order for them to feel less needy, we might have told them a white lie; most would say that this is okay, but I disagree. It seems that one part of lying involves making people feel better about their own insecurities. Lets make up a person who excessively counts everything on a daily basis in order to cover up his insecurities (a manifestation of OCD). He has a problem, and is it not our responsibility as friends to help him? Yes. What we'll say is: "Look, Count, you can't keep counting everything any more. Bert, Ernie, Elmo, and I are all very worried about you. So are Big Bird and Grover, but they are at the Cookie Monster's intervention. Count, you have one problem and there are only two things to do: one clinical psychologist's office visit or one five-hour road trip with one obsessed 13 year old twilight fan." Not telling the Count that he has a problem is stopping the Count from getting better. The truth hurts, and at times, it can be utterly devastating since no one likes to hear that they might have a problem; however, lying hurts even more because that stops anyone from having a happy life. 

There are those who lie because they feel weak or vulnerable. The reasons for feeling weak or vulnerable can vary tremendously: it can be not reaching your own, or society's, expectations or making yourself completely vulnerable and then having your heart broken, etc. We make up fronts that protect the weakness-it can be the guy who buys a corvette and wears leather jackets (it is two, two inches long, ha ha ha. Damn it, Count! I thought you went to therapy), it can come off as the bitch shield, etc. Those fronts are just lies because they don't show who we are deep down. Here, I'll make myself extremely vulnerable: My passion that courses through my heart and veins far exceeds rational limits; Doctors said, when I was born, that I would never walk or talk, and I was on the verge of tears after I saw the first five minutes of Up. So now I ask who is stronger, a person who builds a mental fortress of deceptive isolation or me, a person who just exposed some of my major insecurities to members of an audience that I might never meet or some members that might hold ill will towards me? The isolated mental fortress is built out of self-deception that eventually leads to ultimate self-demise because the person cannot accept himself/herself for who he/she is. I have my quirks, my insecurities, but don't we all have them? What matters is that your friends, your family, and yourself, accept those quirks about you because they make you, you.

When you really listen to people after a while, you pick up on phrases people commonly use in an insincere way. "You like Ashlee Simpson? Oh my God, me too! Her musical talent is just superb." Translation: I have no self-respect and will lie in order to have the most unsatisfying 90 seconds of your life. 

"I swear that's never happened to me before." Too, Too many times to count, ha ha ha. Damn it, Count! 

"I didn't have that much when I did (fill in the blank):" I was hammered drunk and in no way am I sorry that I did it; I still would have done it. 

"I'm not drunk right now:" I'll take how much blood is left in my alcohol content for 100 nattys, Alex.

"I hope that I'm not bothering you:" If I'm in the middle of something and for you not to bother me, you should say: "Not trying to bother you, but there is a chimp in a tux playing John Mayer on a guitar and Megan Fox is waiting for you in your room." 

"I'll call you tomorrow;" I have no intention of ever talking to you. 

"You are not crazy:" A hormonal Mel Gibson is saner than you are. 

"You are not fat:" Those rolls on you have the same amount of fat as a Christmas dinner at Rosie O'Donnell's house. 

"That dress looks so nice on you:" That dress is more visually appealing on John Goodman than on you. 

Do I expect people to be completely honest? I wish everyone was completely honest, but that's all it is, a wish. We are never ourselves when we lie; we are always ourselves when we are honest. Honest are those who carry the colossal cumbrance of compassion. Honest are not those who make themselves stronger through a mental fortress of lies; honest are those who have the self-confidence to be open, to be themselves, to be vulnerable. 

To speak from your heart is to be truthful; to be truthful is to be honest; to love from your heart is to be honest.