The Sewanee Purple

By Sam Sheridan

Dear Woman,

I love you. I am glad you exist. I believe that your vagina is beautiful. If you want to talk to me about it I will listen attentively. I have used the derogatory terms for your genitalia only a handful of times in my entire life because I believe that God created nothing more glorious than the Vagina and it deserves to be called by its proper name. There was an article that appeared in the last issue of the Purple that purported to hate you. I hope to all that is holy that the article in question was, despite the writer’s insistance to the contrary, sarcastic in nature. I feel it is my duty as an amateur journalist to tell you the real truth:

John Guin does, in fact, have a girlfriend. She was in The Vagina Monologues. John actually did go to the performance in order to support his girlfriend. I don’t understand why he would lie. In spite of our many differences in beliefs John is actually a good guy. This might be the proper place to mention that he did SEE The Vagina Monologues because he has every right to react to a work of art. I have no respect for any pretending they are an authority on a work they have not seen. I hate lots of things he believes, but I do respect John.

If he’s reading this I want him to know I am very concerned that he reports hating sex. My personal life being what it is I have only a distant and vague recollection of sex, but it must be a largely positive thing. There are six billion people on the planet, and all of them had mothers who liked sex enough that they were willing to let a baby claw its way out of their vagina… Sex must be some kind of wonderful. Anyone who doesn’t like sex at all should probably go see a doctor about their own genitalia. I’m just sayin’.

Jesus also loves women. As a matter of fact the risen Christ (in the story, please don’t disregard this if you don’t believe in it) first appears to some of the women who were important in his life. His disciples, who were men, are all in hiding. St. Paul the Apostle might have written letters to people in misogynist cultures, but Jesus had to rely on women because the men, initially, did not truly believe. I am willing to make a sexist comment to assert that this story reflects the modern world. Men are raised to be so called strong, impartial, and defensive – if we can’t fight somebody than all we know how to do is hide.

So, I love women. I adore women. No religion has told me to love women. That’s good because I don’t think a religion should determine what you believe, I think your beliefs should determine what religion you choose. I chose Christianity, but I certainly didn’t choose to love women. I have been surrounded by strong and passionate women all my life. I have witnessed greatness, grace, elegance, and dignity in the face of a culture that persists in being anti-women. I believe that on top of equality in rights, a woman should be treated exactly equal to a man in all ways. I’m one of those “crazy liberals” who even believes that women should be paid as much as men for performing the same job! I honestly don’t know why John lied in his last editorial, but I do know that someone on the Purple staff needs to tell our female readers something very important. Your vagina is beautiful. Your vagina is extraordinary. Most men and some women love your vagina. YOU DESERVE someone who will respect and appreciate it. You deserve someone who will respect and appreciate you.

Hugs and Kisses,
Sam Sheridan