Sewanee Sex Column: Purpling

So the time of year has come and gone again for girls ages 13 to 35 to put on either an ironic and unappealing costume in order to show off how cool and legit they are or don a spectacularly slutty outfit to advertise their supreme easiness on the one night when it's socially acceptable. As a side note, I try to have two costumes, one of each as it is the most satisfying combination. On the same night, Sewanee boys are expected to put at least half-assed effort into dressing up and less or more effort into hooking up with these girls, depending on their good looks, level of game, or accessibility to drugs. While I don't necessarily condone hooking up, I can understand the appeal, necessity, beneficial aspects of it, blah blah blah...Anyway, I would like to ask one group in particular to withhold from the typical attempt to take home a willing drunk girl this particular Halloween, and really any other night. Yes, I am talking to you, Mr. Mountain Goat. To those unfamiliar with this term, it has been used for years at Sewanee to denote the larger-than-perceived group of Sewanee gentleman who are painfully closeted, and despite their lighter-than-most-loafers and feminine mannerisms take home an absolutely ballin number of girls home with them each weekend. Okay, so before anyone gets their panties up in a twist, no I don't know any slang terms for closeted girls, perhaps because one doesn't exist up on the mountain. Because let's be honest, whether it's fair or not there is a basic cultural acceptance of two girls willing to make out with each other for a beer or two. It's a double standard both in Sewanee culture and American culture in general, but for the purpose of this article, I'm going to sidestep the injustice of this trend and focus on my plea to the Mountain Goats out there.

    Now, it is important to remember that this term only applies to men desperately and actively trying to play it straight, often by hooking up with as many girls as they can nail. To you guys out there, guess what: it probably isn't working. Everyone knows you are gay, or at least have an inkling. The only people who don't know are people in denial or people you have never met. These people will make excuses for you, like you aren't from the south, or you have a bunch of sisters or you grew up LIKE SUPER CLOSE to your mom...the rest of us know better. Perhaps the real problem here is that some of you guys don't even know yourselves (although I think most of you do). Therefore, in order to give you a little help you seriously need, and to give some lookouts for girls who may fall victim to your Mountain Goat charms, I have provided a list of possible clues. If you read this list and identify with two or more, it's time to recalculate.

1. If you have an unusual propensity for tackling/ "wrestling" the object of your Bromance when you get shitty. Or sober. Even more if you are sober.

2.  If you take a phone call while you are having sex with a girl and tell the person on the other line after a minute of totally normal conversation that "the most faaaaaaabulaaaasss girl is waiting for you in your bed and you are sooo sorry but you just have to run". Yeah, witnessed that one. Terrifying.

3. If there are pictures of you curling up with another dude on Facebook and you claim it is "so fratty". If you detag this picture however, this statement is twice as potent of an indicator.

4. If you playfully hit on guys as a joke when you are drunk, or do that stereotypically gay lispy voice to prove how comfortable you are with heterosexuality.

5. If you last way too long during missionary, and 2.5 seconds during doggie style. However if you can't orgasm with a girl at all, you are probably in serious closet territory.

6. Limp Biscuit. That is all.

7. If you are constantly updating your Facebook status

8. If you take multiple and unnecessary risks with your facial hair.

9. If almost every chance you get to wear a costume you dress up as a woman. A couple of times I get it, but after that I mean really...

10. All right, so this last one is dicey territory, but if you wake up with a dude snuggled up to you in your bed, it's game over. *

Alright, so I know the ironic quality of this article that might be present for those of you reading this article who know me especially well. It is true that I am one of the most liberally minded people when it comes to sex and sexuality, and that, yes; I have had my indiscretions in the past. I have also been told that I would be "the best beard ever". Um, thanks. However, all that is beside the point. I am writing this in advocacy of what is best for gay men, and really everyone at Sewanee. Life is hard, and I can't imagine many things harder than coming out, but listen if you aren't there yet at least don't drag some pathetically na•ve girl into the closet of sexual ambiguity and designer wear with you.

Maybe I feel so strongly about this because unlike Mountain Manganitis which I was luckily vaccinated against and have never fallen victim to, I have been prey to a Mountain Goat myself my freshman year. Maybe it's because I love my openly gay friends at Sewanee and hear how miserable they were when they were pretending to be straight. Maybe it's because one of my formerly gay (does that exist?) friends from High school was sent to a gay camp, now goes to a shockingly Baptist college and has told his girlfriend of three years that they haven't kissed yet because he is "really religious now"...yeah. I'm not saying that people don't go through confusing stages in their lives, or that it's as clear-cut as gay or straight. What I am saying is that it's going to be really damn sad when this guy leaves his wife and three kids because he's been doing a guy on the side for twelve years. If you are questioning, or really just know you are gay and just don't feel like dealing with it, keep your costume on all you want, but don't trick or treat from girl to girl.